Mr. Bard is not now, nor has he ever been, a member of the Republican Party. Mr. Bard does not Tweet. He was once nominated to push a cart, but he never got to push the cart so he went home. He was awarded a sheepskin (BAaa) from Reed College Sleeper Cell. He is way too classy to make a Bachelor o fart joke in his bio. He has never been a Creative writing adjunct. His one super power is the ability to repel all conventional measures of literary success. Lap to a cat. Pal to a girl. God to a dog. Dog to the man.