Ashton Cartwright is a part time author, full time poker player, and all the time hair model. A dedicated Juggalo, as well as a master of mathematics; he happily lists his three favorite things as "Profit and money," which enlightens us all to the virtues of his pure and loving heart. Ashton has been married concurrently a record 27 times, mostly through virtue of getting a celebrant drunk on home-brewed moonshine. His current collection of partners includes three geese, a doorknob, and a life-sized cardboard cut-out of himself. Ashton is also currently working on the screenplay for his new movie: I Know What I Did Last Summer. "Why did I write this book? Well, from an early age I knew that I wanted to profit from the suffering of others, so it was either this, politics, or reality TV."

• Ashton Cartwright