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In Bagels, Dirty Limericks, and Martinis: The Badass Guide to Writing Your First Book, you’ll get the down-and-dirty on hammering out your book, whether it’s fiction, non-fiction, or a weird alien hybrid. There’s some bad language in it so please don’t show this to our moms. This certified knee to nuts badass guide will help you get your ideas out of your head and down on paper, tell you the ironclad rules of writing (and why most of them are crap), take you step by step through writing your first outline in 5 minutes (or less), and reveal the secrets to plotting, editing, and FINISHING your book. We’ll also tell you exactly how we wrote this book, including the dirty limerick. You’ll have to make your own martini.

We really hope you don't get a pernicious pink slip, but just in case you do we whipped up Whiskey-Pissing Unicorns: How to Lose or Quit Your Job and Become a Badass Writer. Better snag a copy before you actually get started as a full-time writing couch pilot. This little gem includes three critical questions (and one sneaky-ass trick) you should consider when deciding whether you really wanna be an ink-slave. We'll also share two rather embarrassing descriptions of the life of a full-time writer, and give you our pie-in-the-sky advice for how you should do this thang (even though we didn't do it this way). We also explain precisely where badass writers find paying jobs (not counting Wal-Mart, hah), and tell you what does and doesn’t keep the baby in Huggies. We did sneak in a little limerick, but you'll have to catch your own whiskey-pissing unicorn. Instructions (actual check sheets, if you can believe that!) included. You don't have to have read our first book—Bagels, Dirty Limericks, and Martinis: The Badass Guide to Writing Your First Book—to get all the good juju out of this one... But we hope you will!

Vampires and Tantric Sex: How to Publish Your Book Like a Bona Fide Badass is a follow-up to our first book on writing, and will teach you how to publish the book that you brought into being… and why you should never, ever call your book your “baby.” Also it has vampires, because we wanted to cash in on that Edward/Buffy/Lincoln thing. You’ll learn exactly how to proceed if you want to publish in print with a large traditional press, a small boutique press, or online on your own or with big, well-paying clients. We’ll explain the specific timelines for each kind of publishing, and we’ll help you figure out exactly what kind of publishing is the right fit for you.