My heart is on fire. For the first time in my life, I am awake and the desires I've pushed down are smoldering. The shadows of my youth are daring me to step away from them and new visions circle through my head including the possible intimacy I never before dared to dream. My name is Nicky Young. This is my coming of age story and a saga of family dysfunction and alcoholism and how it affects every day choices, decisions and relationships. I want to live differently from my parents—an alcoholic father and co-dependent mother. I know I need to forgive, trust and open my heart, but those things are battles I'm not sure I can win. As I look in the mirror, I am seeing a new woman emerging—one I'm not sure of and trying hard to discover. The lack of affection in my household made me understand it wasn't wise to get too close to anyone. Rage and violence lurked when we became vulnerable and the way I learned to protect myself was to build high and thick walls of dense around my heart. I dream about having a full, open and intimate relationship. I want an adult romance but I'm not I can trust myself that much. Now a man, a professional baseball player named Ryan Tilton seems to be a kindred spirit. Having lost his father at fourteen and knowing what abandonment feels like, I feel a connection that's as deep as I've ever felt. But he goes on the road every two weeks. I can't express the doubts and the feelings I have about all the women attracted to him for fear he'll choose one of them while I battle my spiritual beliefs of having sex before marriage. Can he wait for me? Can I understand his challenges and my own? This is my battle: I'm fighting to break generational chains of dysfunction and addiction; understand and forgive the choices of my parents; love and trust myself so that I can love and trust another. This story is about transitioning into joy after growing up in fear and leaving those fears behind.