Touch-holes are sprouting like dandelions in Poughkeepsie, New York. All of them exude the aura of eras past. Only Melissa the gluteomancer has the ability to read the puckering orifi as a diviner reads tea leaves. If she properly interprets the ebb and flow of gluteal hair parting between her fingers, she and her partner - Ed, the animist with a shoehorn fixation - can find their way out of the cosmic toilet bowl for God's failed creations: the Abortosphere. But before they escape, there's a twelve-ton iron fetus to contend with. Will they get out alive, or will the heavy metal baby with a steel wool bottom, serrated fingertips, and wormhole eyes blot them out of existence for good? Editor: Arthur Graham