All Margie Majors ever wanted was the mythical American dream she was taught to want: a hard-working husband, a house in a place that had neighborhood BBQs, a white picket fence, two kids, and a dog. Instead, she got “destiny.” Hers was to be a plus-sized, day-drinking, foul-mouthed, bisexual, retired vampire slayer with crushing debt and no idea what to do with the rest of her life. The hard-working husband: Separated. The house: For Sale. The BBQ: Not enough alcohol in the world. The dog: A vampire pitbull named Vlad the Impaler because he humps everything in sight. The two kids: One smart-mouthed stepdaughter named Ryder who… who is actually pretty great. But the rest sucks. And with her twenty-fifth class reunion coming up and nothing to show for it, what’s a retired vampire slayer to do? Nothing out of the ordinary. Step in crap like she always does by dancing with her soon to be ex-husband in the high-school gym, literally tripping over a dead body, and making out with a pretty vampire who was once her arch-enemy, and who is most likely the killer.

Margie Majors never thought she’d be roommates with a vampire. Of course, she never thought she’d make out with one either. Never mind that it’s her one-time high school nemesis Brooke Wellington. To add to her list of Never Will I Ever, she’s also divorcing the man she thought was the love of her life, and there’s not enough wine in the world to drown that sorrow. To add insult to injury, her stepdaughter tells her that Mark is already dating again. (Not that Margie can judge.) She and Brooke do some recon with Ryder and discover the new woman may just be something worse than a vampire: absolutely perfect. But Ryder isn’t convinced. Especially when the body count starts to rise. Margie faces the impossible task of saving a white knight who wants nothing to do with the distressed damsel, even if his life depends on it. Divorce is a bitch, but it’s nothing compared to Margie when she’s all that stands between her broken family and the undead.

Margie Majors is moving on with her life (Brooke approves!) and unfortunately, that means dating. If only to please her traumatized stepdaughter who has decided to try her hand at matchmaking by setting Margie up with her best friend’s super hot dad. However, the only that can compare to Margie’s vampire slaying skills, are her relationship slaying skills. She’s a world champion at both. What should have been the most romantic night of her life is soured by food poisoning, a literal shitstorm, Vlad the Impaler’s hump-a-thon, and of course, murder involving none other than the undead.