A pretty blonde vampire is trying to kill me. Sure, that sounds like the beginning of a soft-core porno, but in this case it’s a freaking nightmare. She breaks down my door, kills my roommate, curses at me like a sailor, and then starts following me around like a stalker. And did I mention she’s trying to kill me? What’s worse, I think I might be turning…gay. I don’t think life could get any worse. Shit! I shouldn’t have said that.