Giant cavemen aliens have gone back in time to 1990s Earth. Their mission is to protect our timeline. Or…as they say to bad guys: “Can’t touch this.” I thought I was a modern woman. But then one day I’m attacked. My rescuer is a huge, scaled, alpha male caveman alien. He wears a holodisguise when he’s not saving the human race. And when Axul the Vakutan warrior lays eyes on me, he says I’m his fated mate. If you ask me, I can totally feel the love tonight. Truly. Madly. Deeply. I mean have you seen the type of guys that try to hit on you in the 1990s? It’s all achy-breaky mullets and Hammer pants. Please. I may not have his muscles (oh boy, those muscles!) but I may know a thing or two that can help him. Like how to parallel park. Use the yellow pages. And call collect. He has to succeed. To save Earth. And our love. After all. He’s my wonderwall. Author's Note: No Reapers or darkness here. Just fun in the 90s!

What did Michael Jordan like to put on his toast for breakfast? Space Jam. But even those aliens have nothing on Myrdok. Standing at over 7 feet tall, with abs for days and muscles the size of my legs, this red-scaled monster rescues me and tells me I’m his fated mate. Girl, please. Fated mate? I’m a modern woman. I don’t want no scrubs. But then the Grolgath savages come after me and Myrdok shows me just how non-scrub he is. Who knew there were aliens living among us? They have American Express platinum cards and big Rocky Mountain bases and holo disguises. A girl could get used to this. No lie. I’ve been heartbroken before. And I’m not going to say oops if I do it again. Especially if its to a rich, handsome, barbarian brute like Myrdok of Vakutan. But even he needs one thing to be a perfect man for the 90s. What is it? An AOL account!

He might be an alien warrior from the future. But I have a weapon he’s powerless to fight. What is it? Victoria’s Secret. Val Dorn is huge. With muscles the size of tree trunks. And an accent he claims is Estonian. It’s like he came out of the movie Terminator. And moved in right next door. At first I’m excited. I mean, hello. My window faces his shower. But then I realize that Val’s arrival might herald some really scary stuff coming my way. And he’s the only thing that’s protecting me. Somewhere along the line, I get close to the big fella. And he starts sniffing me. Then kissing me. Then telling me I’m his fated mate. I mean, what do they teach the men over in “Estonia”? But there’s just something off about Val. Maybe it’s the ease with which he lifted my truck off the ground. Or how much he eats in one sitting. Or his fancy ray gun looking things that he says are movie props. I’m not sure. Because he’s hot and all. But… I think my neighbor is an alien.