I’m stuck on a pleasure planet with a crazy alien warrior who is supposed to be my mate. This is waaaaay beyond FML. If I knew when I woke up this morning that I was gonna find out there are honest to god aliens out in space and they’re taking human women as mates and I was gonna be next… well, I would have just gone back to sleep. The worst part? He thinks I’m a human warrior that’s just as crazy as him. See, I’m an actress. I’ve been stuck doing action movies. And someone somewhere made a mistake. They thought I did my own stunts. So they matched us, and stuck us together. I mean, what are two supersoldiers supposed to do on a date? Kill cyborgs? Raid outposts? I’m more used to mini golf and cocktails. I better figure out a way for us to work together. And soon. Because he’s got a whole month planned out for us. Love really did turn out to be war. Literally.

She’s bold. She’s beautiful. And she is not impressed with my epic one-liners. I’ve been watching action movies from Earth since I was a young Kaleth hatchling. Everyone in the galaxy is obsessed with all the human entertainment. So it’s no surprise when its revealed that my fated mate is an Earth woman. The Federation protocol states that she gets picked up, sent to me, and we spend 30 days on a vacation planet where we start building the rest of our lives together. There’s just one problem. She has no idea that “aliens” exist. See, humans might have invented Must See TV and they might be Too Hot To Handle. But they still think they’re all alone in the universe. But now that I’ve found my tiny sassy human woman, she’ll never be alone. I’ll fight to keep her safe from all the evil in the galaxy. I’ll be her hero. Her protector. I guess you could say… I’m going to go ahead and make her day. So she can live free. And not die hard.

This reality TV dating show is like nothing I’ve ever been on. For starters...the dude is an alien! I mean, at first I thought they just had great sets and killer CGI, you know? I should have realized that when the outside looked like space it wasn’t just a prop. I really had been knocked out and brought to mate with a Kaleth warrior. No one on Earth really knows aliens exist. The rest of the galaxy, though, eats up all our human culture. So now I have an 8-foot tall warrior that’s made of 450 pounds of muscle. A dude with the blood of countless enemies on his hands. And he’s asking me if I’m a “Carrie” or a “Samantha”. But wait, it gets better. Someone is trying to use me and my warrior to cause the death of billions of innocent lives. We’ll have to work together to stop them. Maybe build a love that’ll beat back all the darkness. Oh gosh… This would have been a great TV show if it wasn’t real, huh?

The fate of the planet Earth rests on the shoulders of a country music star. Who is also an alien. Heath Longstreet and Mike Wellbrook hate each other’s guts. And as Mike’s girlfriend, I’m supposed to hate Heath too. He’s done everything in his power to keep Mike from rising to the top of the country music charts. Every time Mike releases a song, Heath is there releasing a track. Mike drops an album. Heath drops one too. Mike could be a superstar if it weren’t for Heath and his handsome good looks! I hate Heath, no matter how much I fantasize about him… And then I realize that Mike and Heath are aliens! Uhmm, what? But wait, it gets crazier. Apparently I’m a genetic mate match for Heath, whose real name is Hethal. The alien boyfriend I had who I thought was an up and coming country star? He’s an evil alien trying to enslave the human race with his songs. Hethal is trying to stop him while falling in love with me. What can I say, except… That’s so country!