From the gloriously rude "Unfortunate names for race horses" to "Unlikely personal ads" and lines that (sadly) never appeared in the Harry Potter books, "Mock the Week: Scenes We'd Like to See" is the fastest, funniest read of the year: a bumper book of all-new, razor-sharp one-liners, including: UNLIKELY MEDICAL LABELS: No rabbits were harmed during the testing of this product - but the rats were less lucky. UNSUCCESSFUL JOB APPLICATIONS: I am both lazy and a miserable git. GREETINGS CARDS THAT WOULDN'T SELL: Happy New Breasts! FIRST-DRAFT LINES FROM GREAT NOVELS: Alice was beginning to get very bored of sitting by her sister on the riverbank, so she checked no one was around, hit her with a stone, and pushed her into the water. UNLIKELY CROSSWORD CLUES: 9 Across - Rip van Winkle's name (3, 3, 6) REJECTED EXAM QUESTIONS: List your most sordid desires. UNLIKELY HOROSCOPES: You will go to your bedroom window and stand there naked for a minute, you will do this especially if your name is Mrs Hughes and you live at 56, The Avenue, Clapham... around 3.30 would be best for me.

Now in its seventh year, "Mock the Week" is the biggest comedy show on BBC2, regularly drawing 5 million viewers every week and making stars of Frankie Boyle, Dara O'Briain and Russell Howard. Packed with enough jokes to fill a whole new series, "Mock the Week: This Year's Book! "is a colourful riot of near-the-knuckle humour; the perfect gift for the show's devoted fans this Christmas. Categories include: UNLIKELY DICTIONARY DEFINITIONS: Fart (noun) - expulsion of trapped methane from the anus, possibly the funniest thing ever. UNLIKELY AGONY AUNT LETTERS: Dear Agony Aunt, I keep getting dangerous advice from hugely unqualified people - what do you suggest I do? CARDS YOU NEVER SEE IN A NEWSAGENT'S WINDOW: Child Minder Available - He may be small, but he's rock hard. UNLIKELY OBITUARIES: Died suddenly and peacefully on an electric chair at the New York State Penitentiary. UNNERVING THINGS TO HEAR IN A MEDICAL EXAM: 'So how bad is this premature . . . eeearrgh!' UNSUCCESSFUL JOB APPLICATIONS: You must hire me, before I kill again!

All-new scenes we'd like to see from the hit BBC2 comedy show From the makers of the bestselling Mock the Week: This Year's Book! comes this laugh-out-loud funny collection of one-liners for, well, the year after. Jam-packed with near-the-knuckle, quickfire gags, categories include: Unlikely things to read on the back of a book: 'Incredibly moving, the book of the year' Whizzer and Chips Bad things to read in hospital: 'Can you feel that? You can feel my finger? Do you like it? Does it feel good? Yeah? Sh\*t, the doctor's here.' Unlikely things to read in a romance novel: It was love at first sight - she a beautiful heiress, he a donkey in a hat. Unlikely board game instructions: Having taken the cards out of your rectum, shuffle them and give everyone the maximum they will accept. Inlikely things to hear on a PA system: 'Could the man who has just been decapitated in Coach 6 please stop pressing the emergency button.'

The bestselling stocking filler returns, though you might want to give granny her Christmas sherry before she looks at "Mock the Week's Funniest Book of All Time" is an hilarious, edgy collection of brand new gags from the team behind the popular panel show. It includes categories such as Unlikely Dictionary arsehopper (n.): small green insect that lives up your arse. I may have misheard this. Unlikely Village Clegg-Under-Cameron; Cock-on-the-Curtain; Tinchy Stryder ...Unlikely Things to Hear During School 'This year's Speech Day has of course been ruined by those silly boys who assassinated Mr Bartram ...' Unlikely Things to Hear on Downton 'Mr Bates' leg? He hurt it helping Otis Ferry throw a fire extinguisher off Nelson's Column at a Countryside Alliance march.' Unlikely Crosswords You won't get this (12, 4, 3, 5). This refers only to this and the previous three "MTW" books, and even that's a matter of opinion...

An indispensible guide to life, the universe and childish smut, from the creators of the highly rated BBC comedy show Mock the Week is back, with an hilarious collection of brand-new gags for anyone who has at any time been born. Taken together, these one-liners will help you navigate the ups and downs of life whether you're eight\* or eighty†. Categories include: Bad Things to Hear in a Maternity Ward: 'In an attempt to empathise with my wife, I want you to ram this pineapple up my backside.' Unlikely Greetings Cards: Sorry to hear about your mother. (On the plus side, you can afford that new house, now.) Bad Things to Shout During Sex: 'Did you hear that? Did they just say England are 81 for 5?' Unlikely Things to Read on a Gravestone: Fell asleep on 16 August 2004. Unfortunately whilst driving a truck on the M5. Unlikely School Report Cards: Dear Mr and Mrs Johnson, Boris is a very popular and intelligent boy who should go far, just as long as he isn't ever put in charge of anything complex. \*Probably best not to give this book to an eight-year-old. †Or to an eighty-year-old.

Brand-new 'Scenes we'd like to see' from the hit BBC2 comedy show. From UNLIKELY TITLES FOR LOVE SONGS to STRANGE THINGS TO HEAR FROM YOUR SATNAV, Mock The Week's Ultimate Panic Buy! is jam-packed with brilliant new one-liners including: Unlikely Things to Read in a Diet Book: Chapter 1: Don't Eat So Much. Chapter 2: Do a Bit More Exercise. The End Lines You Won't Hear in Doctor Who: 'I'm a doctor- just pop your things off and hop up on the couch' Unlikely Lines from an Erotic Novel: 'Eugh!' she screamed, 'I'm not going anywhere near that!' Unlikely Things to Read in a Car Manual: No one has ever discovered what this button does. Unlikely Cards from a Newsagent's Window: Home dentistry: cheap, quick, hygienic. Call 'Yanker' Jones on 04872...

Modern life is a minefield. Fortunately, the creators of 'Mock the Week' are here to give you advice on the important things in from office etiquette to camping holidays, the worst things to hear while sitting on the toilet - and what not to say when passing through Customs.